20 Questions To Ask Your Partner and Yourself

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Written with our friends at Self Space. Self Space are bringing everyday mental maintenance to the high street. No waitlists. Personalised matching. Wherever you are, whenever you need it. See more here.

Why this matters now: How technology can impact relationships

Relationships are increasingly under pressure from technology, there is even a term for to describe moments one person chooses their phone over giving their attention to their partner (‘phubbing’). It can unintentionally make the other person feel unseen, unimportant, or less interesting than whatever is happening on a screen. It can disrupt small moments of attunement and connection. Over time, it’s linked to lower relationship satisfaction, more conflict, and less emotional intimacy.

Research suggests that around 70% of people say technology interrupts time with their family or partner, and over half notice distraction during conversations. This doesn’t mean people care less about each other. It means attention is under constant pressure from work, notifications, noise, and the pace of modern life.

Relationships move through natural cycles of connection and disconnection. When screen time or digital distraction begins to interrupt these rhythms, it can quietly erode the small but important day-to-day moments that help us feel noticed, wanted, seen, and understood by our partner.

At Self Space, what we hear about this in the therapy room is mixed, phones and tech can help with communication, organising busy lives and creating a smoothness and immediacy to planning and co-ordinating. They can sometimes help us to say something that feels too difficult when faced with the reaction of another person. They can also take people away from each other, they can interrupt moments where play, touch, care and intimacy might otherwise be.

The earlier we can notice these disruptions to connection the more easily we can move towards rather than away from those we are close with.

Normalising the “quiet signs” of disconnection

Most relationship distance doesn’t arrive suddenly. It builds in small, almost invisible ways: fewer check-ins, less curiosity, more scrolling side by side.

45% of people say phone use in bed causes issues, and around a quarter notice that social scrolling affects intimacy. These aren’t signs of broken relationships; they’re signs of competing demands on our attention and they are perhaps an invitation to refind curiosity and connection in our relationship.

At Self Space, the leading reason people come to talk with us is to do with relationship difficulties. This isn’t necessarily because something has gone wrong but because people want to protect what matters and strengthen the relationship they are in.

Is it normal to question my relationship sometimes?

Many people are surprised to learn that a significant proportion of married couples report having thought about separation or divorce at some point, even in otherwise stable relationships. These thoughts can feel frightening or shameful but clinically, they’re often useful signals.

Thoughts don’t equal fact or intent. Uncertainty, doubt, or worry are often prompts to pause and reflect, not to panic. Normalising this is important and asking questions before things feel heavy can prevent resentment from doing the talking later.

Why curiosity matters in relationships

In therapy, we ask questions with the hope that they will open up something new, different, another way of understanding, another perspective. Questions are a gateway to curiosity, in relationships they allow us to move away from ‘knowing’ or making ‘assumptions’ about our partners, ‘pre-empting’ what we think they will say based on the patterns we have established (sometimes helpful, sometimes less so). When we do these things repeatedly, we run the risk of misunderstanding and feeling misunderstood, building resentment, criticising and shutting down. When we find questions for each other, we move towards something that feels more tuned in. In these moments we give an important message to our partner, that we are interested, we care, we want to understand better and really listen. We want them to have our full attention.

The strongest protectors of long-term relationships are surprisingly simple - making time, talking openly, and having fun together. Questions help keep those pathways open.

20 questions worth asking yourself and your partner

These aren’t a test. They’re an invitation to explore. Pay attention to your body as much as the answers that come to mind. Tightness, warmth, defensiveness, relief, all of it is information.

Questions for yourself

How do I usually ask for attention or reassurance?

How do I offer attention and reassurance to others?

What do I notice about myself when I don’t feel someone else is listening?

When might my attention be pulled away from others without me noticing?

Who am I in my relationship at my best? At my most stressed?

What role do I tend to take in my relationship (peacemaker, organiser, critic, withdrawer, fixer, etc.)?

Where and how have I grown in this relationship?

What do I do that reliably makes my partner smile?

When I am at my best, what impact does this have on my relationships?

What helps me feel playful or relaxed with others?

Questions for your partner

When do you feel most like us?

What feels easy between us right now?

What feels harder to name?

What are we most proud of in our relationship?

What would be a perfect day spent together?

If an outsider watched us on a good day, what would they admire?

Do we really check in with each other or do we just update/download?

Which conversations tend to get postponed, and what else is usually going on when that happens?

When tension shows up, what’s our secret shortcut back to each other?

What small ritual of ours actually matters more than we realise?

Creating space for connection

Research consistently shows that connection thrives when people have time, space, and fewer distractions. Therapy and retreats don’t create connection, they create the conditions for it to emerge more easily. Context matters.

That’s where our partnership with Unplugged comes in. Stepping away from constant stimulation, even briefly, can make room for conversations that don’t usually get airtime. Therapy works in the same way. It isn’t only for crisis. It’s maintenance for individuals and for relationships.

A final reassurance

You don’t need to wait for things to break. Wanting to feel closer is reason enough.

Disconnection is part of a relational cycle. Attention is constantly being pulled in multiple directions. Asking questions early is one of the quietest and most powerful forms of care we have, and a useful tool to reconnect.

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Written by Jo Bullen - Systemic Psychotherapist (UKCP) and Senior Clinician at Self Space

Jo is an experienced systemic psychotherapist offering warm, collaborative relational therapy, with a strong focus on understanding patterns of relating and the wider contexts that shape them, including culture, philosophy, past experiences, emotions, actions, and what is felt but often goes unsaid. Jo works with individuals and couples to make sense of what’s working well, what’s become stuck, misunderstood or painful, and how meaningful, lasting change can emerge through relationships.

Self Space is open 7 days a week across Greenwich, Shoreditch, Borough, Soho, Kings Cross - and online.